I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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