last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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