You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
