When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
