I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
