so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
