its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
