I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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