Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
