Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
