I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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