I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
