I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
