you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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