exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
