you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize