I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
