first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
