Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
