Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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