Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
