peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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