I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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