If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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