Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
