Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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