i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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