Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
