hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You may now shotgun with the bride
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
