he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
