The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
