so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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