there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
