I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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