I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
jump out the window naked night went bad
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize