you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
