I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
