I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
