I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so explain again why im purple
no
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
