It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
