Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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