Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
