My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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