I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
