Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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