Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
someone owes me an orgasm
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
