I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
