Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
