Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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