I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize