I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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