in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
