Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
