how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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