you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize