for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
