where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
