you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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