What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
